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Astronomy
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Subject: Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced
today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United
States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government
is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up
the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates
their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be
earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S.
president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive
decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and
Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a
democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft
---------------
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making
it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
-----------------------
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.